


rock 'n' roll not required

by lacksley



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Olympics, Established Relationship, First Threesome, Hallucinations, Hallucinogens, M/M, Multi, Oral Sex, Polyamory Negotiations, Recreational Drug Use, Threesome - M/M/M, ToT: Trick - Freeform, Trick or Treat 2018, Weirdness, mild body horror, references to beauty and the beast (1991), sex comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-07 04:04:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16400960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lacksley/pseuds/lacksley
Summary: Ushijima propositions his boyfriend for a threesome with his old high school buddy, Iwaizumi. Oikawa decides to spice things up. Shit gets weird.





	rock 'n' roll not required

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Miaou Jones (miaoujones)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/miaoujones/gifts).



“How do you feel about having a third?”

The question is so sudden, so out of nowhere, so completely ill-timed that Oikawa chokes on his food and falls into an undignified coughing fit. Ushijima gives him a solid thump on the back, and waits calmly for Oikawa to recover so he can answer the question.

“ _ What _ are you talking about?!” he hisses, eyes watering as he glances conspiratorially around the Olympic Village cafeteria. There are no familiar faces or country uniforms, so Oikawa grabs Ushijima by the cheek and yanks him closer.

“A third partner. For sex. You  _ have  _ mentioned it before,” Ushijima says in hushed tones. It’s obvious that Oikawa doesn’t want their conversation to be overheard.

“Yes, I  _ have.  _ Why are you bringing this up here,  _ now?” _

“Your friend, Iwaizumi, propositioned me at the gym. I told him we’re together, but I remembered you expressing interest in him so I suggested the three of us should—” and Oikawa slaps a hand over his mouth before he can say any more.

“Okay,  _ okay,  _ I get it.” Oikawa drops his hand and stares at his food, poking at it as he contemplates the situation.

“What do you think?”

“Well, it’s gonna be weird,” he sighs, dropping his fork and leaning back, running his now idle-hand through his immaculately styled hair. “I kind of had a thing for him in high school but that was  _ so  _ long ago.”

“But are you interested?”

“Yes!! Obviously, in what universe would I  _ not  _ want to be sandwiched between my incredibly sexy boyfriend and an old flame?”

“I—”

“Don’t answer that. What’s the timeframe on this? Now, while we’re  _ here? _ And where? I’m sharing a room with Nishinoya and he is  _ always  _ partying in there. Also, I didn’t think you’d even  _ want  _ to fool around, since you’re so strict about sex when it comes to competition.”

“I think you’re thinking too much, Tooru. I’ll set up everything with Iwaizumi if you want to do this, and I’ll drop it if you don’t.”

“Oh no, no no no, no way  _ you _ are planning this. If we’re going to…” and Oikawa glances around the cafeteria again and whispers, “... if we’re going to have a  _ threesome _ you are  _ not _ planning anything. You have no concept of romance.”

“I don’t think that’s true—”

“Nuh-uh, no way. We’re doing this, and you are staying out of it. I’ve decided, right now. I’m setting it up.” Oikawa crosses his arms and huffs with a smug, yet annoyed expression.

“Okay. Then you get to decide when and where.” His smug aura instantly deflates. Ushijima might feel bad for teasing him. Just a little bit.

“I… um. Yeah, we can, uh…”

“I have my own hotel room as captain of the water polo team. Does that interest you?”

Oikawa glares at him, and grinds out a “yes.” Ushijima digs through his duffle bag and pulls out a small card.

“Here’s my extra room key. Are you up for tonight?”

“That’s a bit sudden, isn’t it?”

“Water polo doesn’t start until next week, you’ve finished the bars and the rings are in two days. Iwaizumi told me he finished fifth overall in foil, so he’s done competing. Is there a better time than tonight?”

Oikawa’s face screws up and he rises out of his seat, pointing an angry finger at Ushijima. “You… you  _ planned  _ this, didn’t you? The two of you  _ planned  _ this, just to ruin me. Well fine, if that’s the way it’s going to be then I’m bringing my own cards to the table.”

“Cards?”

“I’m gonna blow your stupid jock minds, just you wait.” Oikawa grabs his tray, backing away while glaring at Ushijima. “Don’t even  _ think _ about going into your room until I tell you to.” He gives a threatening “I’m watching you” gesture and disappears into the dinnertime crowd.

 

Five hours later, as his watch ticks towards midnight, Ushijima and Iwaizumi find themselves standing outside of Ushijima’s hotel room, waiting for Oikawa to finish “preparing” and let them inside. They had been waiting, for fifteen minutes, discussing boundaries, likes, and dislikes. Just as Ushijima was about to delve into the story of why he found Halloween costumes to be particularly erotic, a small cough comes from the door.

“I think he’s ready,” Iwaizumi says, straightening.

The door creaks a little bit, and Ushijima imagines his boyfriend peeking through the peephole and adjusting whatever outfit he was wearing, and the door bursts open with a flourish.

Oikawa leans against the frame, hips cocked obscenely, smooth legs visible through the slit in the fluffy white hotel bathrobe he’d put on. 

“Oh hello,  _ booooys,  _ funny seeing you here~” he swoons, batting his eyelids flirtatiously.

“Oh my god.” Iwaizumi groans. He turns to leave and Ushijima grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him into the room.

“It’s too late to back out now. You should have expected this.” The door slams shut with a finality behind them, and Ushijima clicks the locks into place. The lights are already dimmed, quiet music filling the lower levels of silence, and Ushijima surveys his boyfriend’s handiwork.

Rose petals litter the floor, leading to and covering the king-size bed that has been stripped down to the top sheet. Candles burn on every flat surface, and neatly placed on the bed is an assortment of condoms, lube and sex toys surrounding a small white plate of precisely arranged dried brown mushrooms.

“What the hell is that,” Iwaizumi asks, deadpan, pointing at the strange plate of fungus surrounded by vibrators and nipple clamps. Oikawa comes up behind him, massaging the meat of his shoulders as he strips off his jacket.

“I thought it would help us all  _ loosen up _ a bit, take the edge off.” Oikawa’s hands ruck up Iwaizumi’s shirt, fingertips skating over his abs.

“Are these mushrooms?” Ushijima asks, picking one off the plate and holding it up for inspection.

“Magic mushrooms,” Oikawa purrs into Iwaizumi’s ear, and plucks the mushroom out of Ushijima’s hand and pops it into his mouth. “It’s not going to show up for any drug testing, so why not make things interesting?”

Ushijima grabs the remaining two mushrooms off the plate, swallowing his own quickly and placing the other in his teeth, drawing in close to Iwaizumi.

“Do you want me to—?” Iwaizumi asks, then awkwardly places his hands on Ushijima’s shoulders as their mouths meet. It’s a struggle to get the mushroom into Iwaizumi’s mouth, and when he finally swallows the thing he snickers.

“That wasn’t very sexy.”

Ushijima shrugs. “I’m trying.”

“Let me show you how it’s done,  _ Iwa-chan. _ ”

“Oh my god.”

 

Fifteen minutes later, all three of them have completely forgotten about the mushrooms.

Oikawa, for example, is very focused on showing Iwaizumi how well he can blow his boyfriend.

“Can you do a handstand and suck his dick at the same time?” Iwaizumi asks, lazily jerking himself.

Oikawa pauses, poised over Ushijima’s erection.

“I mean, I can try?” He stands up, stretching his arms. “I’m actually kind of shocked I’ve never done this to him before.”

“Are you feeling the mushrooms now?” Ushijima asks, panting as he watches Oikawa limber up. Iwaizumi can see his cock twitching, and knows Ushijima is just as eager to see this as he is.

“Pff, no. I just think it would be hot. Do you…” and Iwaizumi licks his lips, his mouth suddenly dry as he realizes his face is level with Oikawa’s ass. “Do you want help?”

“Iwa-chan  _ please.  _ I have a bronze in the parallel bars, I can do a handstand on the floor, even if I’m…  _ distracted. _ ” He reaches over and gives Iwaizumi’s cock a quick pull, teasingly, and falls gracefully into a handstand over Ushijima’s abdomen.

“Oh my god,” Ushijima groans, watching as Oikawa lowers his open mouth onto his cock. Iwaizumi can see Oikawa trembling slightly, he’s just as turned on by this as they are and he wants to reach out and touch, squeeze that  _ taut  _ ass but he also really doesn’t want to interrupt the beautiful scene laid out before him.

Oikawa raises himself, pulling off as a long string of spit connects the head of Ushijima’s cock to his mouth. He takes a second to breathe, and when he focuses back on Ushijima’s navel there’s a gaping black void in its place.

The floor disappears from under him and he falls, soundlessly. Streaks of color and ticking clocks float upwards but he’s falling,  _ falling,  _ he’s been falling for decades into the darkness and Oikawa  _ screams  _ but the sound is ripped from his throat, he can’t feel anything, there’s no air in his lungs, no light passing through his eyes, no feeling in his body except a bottomless pit of fear in his stomach and the sensation of  _ falling _ .

A pinprick of light appears at the bottom of the void and grows larger, and brighter, until it’s so bright,  _ too  _ bright and he can see the pale gaunt face of a ghost with black hollow eyes staring at him and Oikawa falls ass-backwards onto Ushijima’s face.

“Ghost!” he screams, scrambling off Ushijima, who rolls to his side, hands clutching at his groin.

“I think you broke my dick,” he groans. Oikawa continues to scream about ghosts, pulling himself to his feet and running towards the door, only to trip on the pile of bedsheets and tumble to the floor, followed by his array of unused sex toys. He lands face down, and does not get up.

Ushijima doesn’t care about whatever Oikawa is doing. His dick hurts, and he removes his hands to inspect it.

A large, red-capped mushroom throbs in place of where his dick is. Or, where his dick  _ should  _ have been. Ushijima looks around the room, thinking maybe it had fallen off.

Time has seemingly stopped. Iwaizumi is yelling, hand reaching out towards Oikawa and the suspended avalanche of dildos and fuzzy handcuffs threatening to crush him. All of the candles have turned into that cartoon character, he can’t think of the name, but the one that’s a clock. All of the candles turn into clocks, and Ushijima shakes his head. Something is glowing under the bed and Ushijima can see a strange green cat watching them, his missing dick held between its jaws.

“My dick!” he yells, and time speeds back up again. Ushijima crawls toward the bed, and the strange green cat with his missing dick in its mouth leaps over him.

“What is going on,” Iwaizumi cries, watching Ushijima dive under the bed. Oikawa lies prone, covered in dildos, dead silent.

“That cat stole my dick.” Ushijima points. Iwaizumi’s eyes follow his hand, growing and extending out of his face like some foreign cartoon. All of the candles turn into teapots.

“Why is your dick a mushroom?” Iwaizumi asks, mouth extending out of his face like a rubber hose to breathe hot air on the red-capped mushroom that is in the place of Ushijima’s dick, which is in the mouth of the strange green cat watching them from the ceiling.

“Because that cat stole it.” He points more vigorously at the strange green cat, who has dropped his dick on the ceiling. The strange green cat starts licking his dick and Ushijima jumps because he can still feel it and the scratchy green cat tongue is  _ nice. _ He looks down and Iwaizumi’s extended mouth is licking the red-capped mushroom in place of where his dick should be.

“This tastes like pizza,” he says. Oikawa is still unmoving on the floor. Ushijima sighs, and tells Iwaizumi’s long mouth to get on with it.

 

Fourteen hours later, Oikawa mechanically shovels wheaties into his mouth in the Olympic Village cafeteria. Ushijima sits next to him, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and  _ totally dumb. _

Iwaizumi approaches their table with a tray full of fruit, a protein shake, and inexplicably, a single slice of cheese pizza.

“Are you o—”

“Don’t. Even. Think about it.” Oikawa hisses, sending a death glare to his soggy cereal. “What are you even eating, anyways. Pizza, for breakfast?”

Iwaizumi glances down at his tray. “I… I dunno, I just had a craving for it.” He glances back up and meets Ushijima’s eyes.

He gives Iwaizumi a wink.

**Author's Note:**

> hello I sincerely hope you like this, my first attempt at making sexy stuff and chickening out by replacing all the dicks with mushrooms
> 
> happy halloween? I tricked you with the promise of sex but all you got was three idiots falling over each other, HA HA HA
> 
> massive thanks to Pugglemuggle for betaing and holding my hand through my first not-porn


End file.
